No one ever tells you how to respond to the loss of a mother or how to grief your loss because it’s a personal journey. You either survive the loss or not. It is a bumpy road filled with fear and loneliness.
In the year 2015, I had my first experience of loss, grief, and mourning. Death came knocking and this time it was my mom.
Everything happened so suddenly I went from having a mom to not having any.
I had been with her on the morning of the 7th of December,2015 and she looked fine. However three hours after breakfast, my dad called out for help, my mom was ill.
Not in my wildest dream, did I know she was having a crisis (Hypertension) By the time, we arrived at the hospital, she couldn’t speak and was in severe pain.
Six hours later, she had gone into a coma and I held her hands, called my friends (Tollie and Tiwa) to pray for her recovery.
Life slowed down and I prayed for a miracle, As it was 24 hours since there was any positive news. At 6 pm, what looked like my mom recovering from a coma turned out to be her last breath.
I am not sure how long I screamed and cried for, I felt numb! Sigh!
Back home, my dad, siblings, and grandpa were all expecting my mom, what they didn’t know was she was never coming home.
Sadness filled our home and everyone struggled to accept the news.
I became an adult, mother, and companion to everyone overnight. The role shifted without giving much notice and we had a funeral to plan.
I wished there was a manual that tells you in advance how to survive a loss, sadly there is none.
The news of my mom’s passing was in circulation and our home began receiving visitors.
Such a distraction and a good thing because each person tried to lighten up our mood and spoke highly of my mom.
Our lives had changed and each person was trying to survive.
Planning a Burial
Thank God for the adults around who directed us; we were clueless.
Planning a burial is a painful yet distracting exercise. There are laws and process to follow;
- Obtaining a death certificate from the doctor.
- Notifying the bank and workplace
- Buying a burial plot
- Picking a funeral date & time and telling everyone
- Buying a casket
- Choosing who is going to officiate
- Finding the will ( my mom didn’t leave one)
- Transfer ownership of properties
- speak to a lawyer.
After the burial
The house became very quiet and you could tell my mom was gone.
I began mourning and grieving my mom, I suffered severe insomnia and lost weight drastically.
Don’t Shy Away From Grief
I mourned my mom for a year, I hated Tuesday and became jealous of people who still had mothers of their own.
A lot of Christian think it’s a sin to mourn for a long time. My advice to anyone who has lost a loved one, take your time and seek bereavement counselling when you are ready. Do not let anyone rush you or put a timeline to when you have to stop mourning or grieving.
You would know once the pain from the loss has reduced, I stopped crying whenever I looked at my mom’s pictures and I was able to talk about my mom and still smile.
When Grief Becomes Physical
A month after the burial, I noticed my hair was falling off my head and I looked so pale, frail and emotional about everything.
A hug and I was crying, watching a movie: I was crying
Bereavement counselling became my best friend and it helped me express how I was felt on the inside.
Becoming Close To The Second Parent After A Loss
when I lost my mom, I realized I wanted my dad more than ever. He suddenly became my companion and support system. Speaking to him, made me feel the bond I had with my mom alive.
Panic Attack And Fear Became A Second Nature.
I became so scared of losing the people I loved and every phone call triggered fear and I panicked at every news.
It Takes A Village
From experience, so many people would say the wrong thing when you’re mourning but the truth is, they mean well. Don’t take it to heart.
Out of all my friends, one friend stood out, she was kind with her words and with time I felt safe in speaking out about my pain, she became a safe place.
Genuine words of hope can help a person who is grieving find peace and hope of doing the things, they once loved.
Reaching out to people who I heard lost a parent helped me heal. I understood their pain and followed up with them.
As the days went by, thinking of mom brought less pain and I found the strength to live again.
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